As I'm no longer in Honduras, and no longer considered a gringa, this blog is pretty much dead. But, as I can't seem to stop myself from writing about the things I do and think about (and for some reason feel the need to share them) you may follow me on:
http://backinthesehereunitedstates.blogspot.com/
Adios!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Identity
Living in latin culture as a white girl and returning to Virginia causes me to be more aware of how I am perceived.
In Honduras, there are often jokes made about other latin countries, much in the same way that States will mock the people from other States. However, if I were to, now, repeat a joke I heard in Honduras about Mexicans, it wouldn't be funny, it would be racist. I would just me a stuck up, privileged white girl.
When I meet people who's English is struggling, and appear to be Hispanic, I want to practice my Spanish with them. But, I fear I'll just insult them by pointing out that their English isn't perfect, or in assuming that they're happier speaking Spanish. Not everyone wants to talk about where they came from.
At work, a family came in. Two parents, two kids. One of the kids could have easily been a native to Guatemala or Honduras. He had all the facial features I've become so comfortable around. I wanted to ask, but there's no way to do that. One, I'd have to assume he's their adopted son, which I don't really know what relationship he has to the rest of the family. Two, I'd just be another person pointing out that he's different, which he doesn't need.
I suppose with situations like these, I'm just going to have to bide my time. With people I don't know well, if I try to come in and assert myself, I'll only ever come off as...something I don't want to come off as. If I form a relationship with someone, if I can let them know my experience, then maybe I make my way in as someone who relates. Until then, I'm just a gringa who identifies with latin culture, but isn't identified in the same way.
In Honduras, there are often jokes made about other latin countries, much in the same way that States will mock the people from other States. However, if I were to, now, repeat a joke I heard in Honduras about Mexicans, it wouldn't be funny, it would be racist. I would just me a stuck up, privileged white girl.
When I meet people who's English is struggling, and appear to be Hispanic, I want to practice my Spanish with them. But, I fear I'll just insult them by pointing out that their English isn't perfect, or in assuming that they're happier speaking Spanish. Not everyone wants to talk about where they came from.
At work, a family came in. Two parents, two kids. One of the kids could have easily been a native to Guatemala or Honduras. He had all the facial features I've become so comfortable around. I wanted to ask, but there's no way to do that. One, I'd have to assume he's their adopted son, which I don't really know what relationship he has to the rest of the family. Two, I'd just be another person pointing out that he's different, which he doesn't need.
I suppose with situations like these, I'm just going to have to bide my time. With people I don't know well, if I try to come in and assert myself, I'll only ever come off as...something I don't want to come off as. If I form a relationship with someone, if I can let them know my experience, then maybe I make my way in as someone who relates. Until then, I'm just a gringa who identifies with latin culture, but isn't identified in the same way.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm Still a Gringa
The trouble is, most people don't know it anymore. I've been back just over a month and am still working on the adjustment. It usually manifests in really small things. When I stay around the house, I feel fine, but when I go out into the world, I feel myself drained and often overwhelmed. The design of stores, the constant push, the colors, the repetition. Little things in how people behave.
Of course, not everything has been difficult. I do enjoy not washing my laundry in the shower. I enjoy being lazy with my dishes. I enjoy that if something is left out it's not covered in ants within a couple of hours. There was something therapeutic about having to stay on top of those chores though. About needing to take the time to get them done.
Seeing people I haven't gotten to see in aeons has been great. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of the things I miss most. Much like when I left here, it's still the people. But there's a lot in the way of life that sticks out to me, or I just don't fit into as comfortably as I once did.
I'm no longer exotic. That combined with the fact that men here are trained out of staring, causes me to notice that I'm no longer the center of attention. On the one hand, it's a relief, but at the same time, I'd gotten used to getting looks all the time. It's just one more change.
Every time someone says "idiot" or "stupid" I have to tell myself, as I explained to my students while reading Matilda to them, that these words are not as strong in English as they are in Spanish (though, they are still not to be used when talking about another person, boys and girls). I was so trained out of saying them casually.
Small talk, especially now that I have a job and don't know anyone that I'm working with, has been a big adjustment. For the last two years, either I was working in my second language, so we cut to the point, or they were, and we cut to the point. Most of the Americans I knew seemed to be in the same mindset, so there was very little small talk. Gossip was abound. But there was rarely any lead up in conversations. I've found myself being more forward with what I have to say than most of the people around me are used to.
Then, of course, there's money. I have a job now. I'm working behind a register in a well established bar-b-que restaurant. I'm working 20-25 hours a week, which is less than half what I worked in Honduras, including my prep time, and I'm making more than twice as much. Of course, everything is more expensive. And now I'm driving everywhere, which is a huge change in and of itself, but also sucks down money. Getting together with friends is almost impossible without dropping a substantial amount of money.
The only things I can find to do that are free involve walking around in the heat, which is still not an issue to me (though, I'm slowly getting used to AC), but it's rather uncomfortable to others. Walking is something I miss too. The act of walking to a destination. Driving everywhere makes me feel so cut off from the people around me.
Not that I'm currently living in a big place, but compared to Copan and Farmville (self explanatory), it feels huge to me. I can no longer wander into any store, any coffee shop, any bar, and know the people there. That, and there are more options. It's hard to become a regular anywhere, because it just depends on where you are in town. Here, things can be out of the way. I think I really need to establish myself as a regular in a few different places. Just so I can feel known again. So that I can have familiar faces.
Of course, not everything has been difficult. I do enjoy not washing my laundry in the shower. I enjoy being lazy with my dishes. I enjoy that if something is left out it's not covered in ants within a couple of hours. There was something therapeutic about having to stay on top of those chores though. About needing to take the time to get them done.
Seeing people I haven't gotten to see in aeons has been great. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of the things I miss most. Much like when I left here, it's still the people. But there's a lot in the way of life that sticks out to me, or I just don't fit into as comfortably as I once did.
I'm no longer exotic. That combined with the fact that men here are trained out of staring, causes me to notice that I'm no longer the center of attention. On the one hand, it's a relief, but at the same time, I'd gotten used to getting looks all the time. It's just one more change.
Every time someone says "idiot" or "stupid" I have to tell myself, as I explained to my students while reading Matilda to them, that these words are not as strong in English as they are in Spanish (though, they are still not to be used when talking about another person, boys and girls). I was so trained out of saying them casually.
Small talk, especially now that I have a job and don't know anyone that I'm working with, has been a big adjustment. For the last two years, either I was working in my second language, so we cut to the point, or they were, and we cut to the point. Most of the Americans I knew seemed to be in the same mindset, so there was very little small talk. Gossip was abound. But there was rarely any lead up in conversations. I've found myself being more forward with what I have to say than most of the people around me are used to.
Then, of course, there's money. I have a job now. I'm working behind a register in a well established bar-b-que restaurant. I'm working 20-25 hours a week, which is less than half what I worked in Honduras, including my prep time, and I'm making more than twice as much. Of course, everything is more expensive. And now I'm driving everywhere, which is a huge change in and of itself, but also sucks down money. Getting together with friends is almost impossible without dropping a substantial amount of money.
The only things I can find to do that are free involve walking around in the heat, which is still not an issue to me (though, I'm slowly getting used to AC), but it's rather uncomfortable to others. Walking is something I miss too. The act of walking to a destination. Driving everywhere makes me feel so cut off from the people around me.
Not that I'm currently living in a big place, but compared to Copan and Farmville (self explanatory), it feels huge to me. I can no longer wander into any store, any coffee shop, any bar, and know the people there. That, and there are more options. It's hard to become a regular anywhere, because it just depends on where you are in town. Here, things can be out of the way. I think I really need to establish myself as a regular in a few different places. Just so I can feel known again. So that I can have familiar faces.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Not even dealing with culture shock yet..
The last week has been filled with good memories and painful tears. I've spent time with many of the people who came to mean so much to me. I did not get in all the goodbyes I wanted, nor did I go on all my favorite hikes, but my days were full. They usually ended with the painful realization that it was the end and how much I was going to miss it all.
My last day, I was invited to the birthday party of one of my students. I was therefore able to see many of my students again. One student's mother ran up to me and asked when I left, with the intentions to invite me to dinner if I had time (as requested by her son) but alas, there was not. I thanked her for the thought and offer.
The closer I've gotten to my homecoming, the more I've heard from people I have not heard from in a very long time. People who are excited and happy. I've been trying to think of a way to express what it is I'm feeling. People from home is the big thing I'm looking forward to, but that excitement is currently muted by the great feeling of loss.
It's not that I don't know that my friends and family are there for me and love me, it's just overwhelming to realize what I'm leaving behind and how much I love it all. There are the friends that I have made, a few in particular, my students and their families have become family to me, the place itself, my love of mountains is magnified there, the culture, and the growth that I have experienced. There are individuals who have become so important to me that simply the loss of them in my day to day life would set me back for a little while. You put it all together, combined with the feeling of intimidation of what I have yet to figure out and do, that causes me to be where I am.
It's not that I'm going to spend every moment upset and mourning what is lost. In fact, I imagine I will try to mask it most of the time. The fact is, that I've been extremely emotional over it all. I cried all morning. I cried in the car. I cried in the airport. I cried in the airplane. I cried again when I touched town in Atlanta, and again when I stepped foot on America (as we know it). I wasn't crying the whole time, they were usually (except in the house) silent, controlled tears. But I was certainly over taken sometimes. The kind Honduran woman sitting next to me never asked. She was on my next flight, across the isle from me, and I think she was pleased to see I was doing better.
I don't tell you this because I want sympathy, but because I know that most of the people I see will not understand at all that I'm not thrilled to be home. There are things that I look forward to. I know that I will get better with time, maybe even quicker than I think and that like with any form of mourning I will have ups and downs. I tell you because I need someone who realizes what this is to me, that this is a kind of mourning, and I will probably not always be myself. I know it will be fine, and even good. This is a new opportunity for growth. But it will take me some time,so please try to remember that.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Last Day of School and Getting Away
My last day of school was not what I envisioned. I had planned a very relaxed day with a few activities. We'd take the room apart, which we did, and mostly just talk. We did talk a little, but all of my students, and I was too, were a little more reserved than usual because we had an observer.
A young woman who came to Copan to learn Spanish was staying with one of my student's family and they had recommended she come up to observe his last day of school. It wasn't bad, it just made things a little stranger and less sentimental than they would have been.
She didn't come back to the room after recess for the last class, so when I gave them all their folders (I'd already given out their superlatives and recollected them) and we said our goodbyes, she wasn't there.
I made it through about half the hugs before I started crying. It was a sob-fest, like I was afraid it would be, I was just teary. I think they liked to see that I meant it when I said I was going to miss them.
I was also broken up a bit because one of my favorites wasn't there. She missed the last day of school. I was able to send her folder with a friend. We said our last goodbyes yesterday when she came for recoup exams. She passed one and failed the other and I was afraid she would be too upset with me to hug me goodbye, but she fell into me sobbing and told me how much she would miss me and promised that if I came back for one more year she would never be absent from school for the whole year. It broke my heart. She thanked me for always being so good to her.
But before I came back to school, I left for El Salvador. I sent my kids off, and several of them skipped the bus to come back to hang out with me until the secondary bus came. I was touched, but had to tell them I needed to go because I was catching my bus soon. I scurried home, packed, and went to catch the bus.
The bus was an hour late,which was no big deal, and then we took off. All was well until we got to El Salvador. Apparently, El Salvador still believes in the CA-4. They said that what Guatemala and Honduras were doing was wrong. That even though there was no way I could have known I was breaking anyone's law because I had abided by the laws, I still had to pay a fine. We argued, respectfully, gently, and being as understanding to their situation as we could, for an hour. They called their superiors to lower the fine or to remove the fine, but to no avail. Finally, we had to pool our money and pay 114$ for a 5 day you'd-better-sort-your-stuff-out-and-get-out-of-here-quick visa.
After all of this, I was pretty discouraged about my presence on the trip. I spent the next several hours in a rather unhappy place.
However, as soon as we got to where we were going, and met up with the missionaries we were going to meet, I knew that I was in the right place.
I was sick for the whole weekend (presumably the same sickness that has been coming and going for the last who knows how long). But the weekend and the experience and the people and the conversation was amazing.
This was my first time in El Salvador and I saw nothing. We got there and met everyone in a Chinese restaurant (weird, right? Cities have everyting), then we left and went to the church. We spent every waking, eating, and sleeping moment in the church until Sunday afternoon. On Sunday we attended both services, ate lunch, got in a bus, and went to another church for a big event. When the event was over, we got in the bus and went to another church where we slept until it was time to catch our bus back to Copan. We had no troubles at the borders on the way back.
How to explain these 3 days is beyond my abilities. Amazing people, conversation, and fellowship. There was so much joy and fullness of life. Nothing that we talked about was ever superficial or small talk. Everything was real and rooted. People could cut to the core of you in a moment, and the truth was that I had no problem being exposed to these strangers. There was so much to say to be to told, so much to listen to and absorb. About me, about life. I have some new life long friends.
The timing was perfect because it helped distract me from the pain of leaving my students. But, as much as I wanted to stay with them, I had an easy time leaving because I was ready to face my last weeks in Copan. I felt rejuvenated. I'm trying to hold onto that feeling.
A young woman who came to Copan to learn Spanish was staying with one of my student's family and they had recommended she come up to observe his last day of school. It wasn't bad, it just made things a little stranger and less sentimental than they would have been.
She didn't come back to the room after recess for the last class, so when I gave them all their folders (I'd already given out their superlatives and recollected them) and we said our goodbyes, she wasn't there.
I made it through about half the hugs before I started crying. It was a sob-fest, like I was afraid it would be, I was just teary. I think they liked to see that I meant it when I said I was going to miss them.
I was also broken up a bit because one of my favorites wasn't there. She missed the last day of school. I was able to send her folder with a friend. We said our last goodbyes yesterday when she came for recoup exams. She passed one and failed the other and I was afraid she would be too upset with me to hug me goodbye, but she fell into me sobbing and told me how much she would miss me and promised that if I came back for one more year she would never be absent from school for the whole year. It broke my heart. She thanked me for always being so good to her.
But before I came back to school, I left for El Salvador. I sent my kids off, and several of them skipped the bus to come back to hang out with me until the secondary bus came. I was touched, but had to tell them I needed to go because I was catching my bus soon. I scurried home, packed, and went to catch the bus.
The bus was an hour late,which was no big deal, and then we took off. All was well until we got to El Salvador. Apparently, El Salvador still believes in the CA-4. They said that what Guatemala and Honduras were doing was wrong. That even though there was no way I could have known I was breaking anyone's law because I had abided by the laws, I still had to pay a fine. We argued, respectfully, gently, and being as understanding to their situation as we could, for an hour. They called their superiors to lower the fine or to remove the fine, but to no avail. Finally, we had to pool our money and pay 114$ for a 5 day you'd-better-sort-your-stuff-out-and-get-out-of-here-quick visa.
After all of this, I was pretty discouraged about my presence on the trip. I spent the next several hours in a rather unhappy place.
However, as soon as we got to where we were going, and met up with the missionaries we were going to meet, I knew that I was in the right place.
I was sick for the whole weekend (presumably the same sickness that has been coming and going for the last who knows how long). But the weekend and the experience and the people and the conversation was amazing.
This was my first time in El Salvador and I saw nothing. We got there and met everyone in a Chinese restaurant (weird, right? Cities have everyting), then we left and went to the church. We spent every waking, eating, and sleeping moment in the church until Sunday afternoon. On Sunday we attended both services, ate lunch, got in a bus, and went to another church for a big event. When the event was over, we got in the bus and went to another church where we slept until it was time to catch our bus back to Copan. We had no troubles at the borders on the way back.
How to explain these 3 days is beyond my abilities. Amazing people, conversation, and fellowship. There was so much joy and fullness of life. Nothing that we talked about was ever superficial or small talk. Everything was real and rooted. People could cut to the core of you in a moment, and the truth was that I had no problem being exposed to these strangers. There was so much to say to be to told, so much to listen to and absorb. About me, about life. I have some new life long friends.
The timing was perfect because it helped distract me from the pain of leaving my students. But, as much as I wanted to stay with them, I had an easy time leaving because I was ready to face my last weeks in Copan. I felt rejuvenated. I'm trying to hold onto that feeling.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Student Letters
Yesterday I finished writing my 18 letters, one for each student. I began almost 2 months ago and could only get through a few at a time before I'd choke up at the idea of goodbye (an idea that is very close right now) but as soon as I finished, I set to the task that Rachel suggested and stuck with me. I began looking for a verse of scripture for each student.
1 Timothy 4:22-- Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.
Hebrews 10:35-36-- Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
Proverbs 16:16-- How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight than silver.
1 Peter 3:10-- Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceit.
Ephesians 4:32-- Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Proverbs 11:6-- A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth.
2 Timothy 1:7--For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
John 16:33-- I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
Proverbs 4:7-- Wisdom is the prime thing. Acquire wisdom; and with all that you acquire, acquire understanding.
Isaiah 41:10-- Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look around you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Joshua 1:9-- I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged I am the Lord your God and I will be there to help you wherever you go.
Ephesians 4:2--Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Proverbs 18:24-- Some friends don't help but a true friend is closer than your own family.
1 Peter 4:8--Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Romans 8:28--And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
3 John 1:5-- Dear friend, you are being faithful to God when you care for the traveling teachers who pass through, even though they are strangers to you.
James 1:12--Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
Proverbs 16:7-- When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
I have placed each letter, with the handwritten verse, in their envelopes along with their superlative awards, advice for keeping up English over the summer, and, for one student, a perfect attendance award.
The superlatives are:
Most Confident
Most Likely to be a TV Writer
Most Likely to be an Event Announcer
Most Likely to be a Soccer Player
Most Likely to be a Teacher
Best One-Liner Jokes
Most Likely to Make You Believe Anything with a Smile
Most Compassionate
Best Animal Sounds
Most Likely to be a Spy
Most Likely to be a Detective
Best Mathematician
Most Likely to be on a Toothpaste Commercial
Most Likely to write a Book
Most Likely to be a Singer
Best Scientist
Most Likely to be a Community Leader
Most Likely to be an Artist
Thursday we'll be doing a feel good activity where each student must think of one good thing about every other student in the room. They will write them on a sheet. I will collect them, review them, and add those to the packets too.
1 Timothy 4:22-- Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.
Hebrews 10:35-36-- Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
Proverbs 16:16-- How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight than silver.
1 Peter 3:10-- Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceit.
Ephesians 4:32-- Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Proverbs 11:6-- A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth.
2 Timothy 1:7--For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
John 16:33-- I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
Proverbs 4:7-- Wisdom is the prime thing. Acquire wisdom; and with all that you acquire, acquire understanding.
Isaiah 41:10-- Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look around you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Joshua 1:9-- I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged I am the Lord your God and I will be there to help you wherever you go.
Ephesians 4:2--Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.
Proverbs 18:24-- Some friends don't help but a true friend is closer than your own family.
1 Peter 4:8--Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Romans 8:28--And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
3 John 1:5-- Dear friend, you are being faithful to God when you care for the traveling teachers who pass through, even though they are strangers to you.
James 1:12--Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
Proverbs 16:7-- When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
I have placed each letter, with the handwritten verse, in their envelopes along with their superlative awards, advice for keeping up English over the summer, and, for one student, a perfect attendance award.
The superlatives are:
Most Confident
Most Likely to be a TV Writer
Most Likely to be an Event Announcer
Most Likely to be a Soccer Player
Most Likely to be a Teacher
Best One-Liner Jokes
Most Likely to Make You Believe Anything with a Smile
Most Compassionate
Best Animal Sounds
Most Likely to be a Spy
Most Likely to be a Detective
Best Mathematician
Most Likely to be on a Toothpaste Commercial
Most Likely to write a Book
Most Likely to be a Singer
Best Scientist
Most Likely to be a Community Leader
Most Likely to be an Artist
Thursday we'll be doing a feel good activity where each student must think of one good thing about every other student in the room. They will write them on a sheet. I will collect them, review them, and add those to the packets too.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Why we do it
In these end-times, my kids and I have all been getting a little sentimental. One of my students, whom I tutor for all of my free time, it seems, has always kept up a tough front. We have a love-hate relationship. Recently, he gave me a "I'm going to miss you note" and it struck a cord with me.
Then, a student I rather frequently refer to as "my favorite human being on the planet" (sorry to all of you who thought you had a chance at winning that position. It has been filled), recently wrote me a letter too.
The outside alone is adorable, but the inside says, "Thank you for your help in English. You help us so much. We do jokes but we are growing up for do good. No one can live forever. I will never forget you because you are my friend for a life. With love, Rubdy"
I love my kids. Isaac gave me an elephant puzzle and he wrote me a letter on the backside of the pieces. There "my beloved teacher" is immortalized.
This is half of why it's so hard for me to leave. I feel like a mother to 18 children that already have mothers.
Then, a student I rather frequently refer to as "my favorite human being on the planet" (sorry to all of you who thought you had a chance at winning that position. It has been filled), recently wrote me a letter too.
The outside alone is adorable, but the inside says, "Thank you for your help in English. You help us so much. We do jokes but we are growing up for do good. No one can live forever. I will never forget you because you are my friend for a life. With love, Rubdy"
I love my kids. Isaac gave me an elephant puzzle and he wrote me a letter on the backside of the pieces. There "my beloved teacher" is immortalized.
This is half of why it's so hard for me to leave. I feel like a mother to 18 children that already have mothers.
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