Not even dealing with culture shock yet..

The last week has been filled with good memories and painful tears. I've spent time with many of the people who came to mean so much to me. I did not get in all the goodbyes I wanted, nor did I go on all my favorite hikes, but my days were full. They usually ended with the painful realization that it was the end and how much I was going to miss it all.

My last day, I was invited to the birthday party of one of my students. I was therefore able to see many of my students again. One student's mother ran up to me and asked when I left, with the intentions to invite me to dinner if I had time (as requested by her son) but alas, there was not. I thanked her for the thought and offer.

The closer I've gotten to my homecoming, the more I've heard from people I have not heard from in a very long time. People who are excited and happy. I've been trying to think of a way to express what it is I'm feeling. People from home is the big thing I'm looking forward to, but that excitement is currently muted by the great feeling of loss.

It's not that I don't know that my friends and family are there for me and love me, it's just overwhelming to realize what I'm leaving behind and how much I love it all. There are the friends that I have made, a few in particular, my students and their families have become family to me, the place itself, my love of mountains is magnified there, the culture, and the growth that I have experienced. There are individuals who have become so important to me that simply the loss of them in my day to day life would set me back for a little while. You put it all together, combined with the feeling of intimidation of what I have yet to figure out and do, that causes me to be where I am.

It's not that I'm going to spend every moment upset and mourning what is lost. In fact, I imagine I will try to mask it most of the time. The fact is, that I've been extremely emotional over it all. I cried all morning. I cried in the car. I cried in the airport. I cried in the airplane. I cried again when I touched town in Atlanta, and again when I stepped foot on America (as we know it). I wasn't crying the whole time, they were usually (except in the house) silent, controlled tears. But I was certainly over taken sometimes. The kind Honduran woman sitting next to me never asked. She was on my next flight, across the isle from me, and I think she was pleased to see I was doing better.

I don't tell you this because I want sympathy, but because I know that most of the people I see will not understand at all that I'm not thrilled to be home. There are things that I look forward to. I know that I will get better with time, maybe even quicker than I think and that like with any form of mourning I will have ups and downs. I tell you because I need someone who realizes what this is to me, that this is a kind of mourning, and I will probably not always be myself. I know it will be fine, and even good. This is a new opportunity for growth. But it will take me some time,so please try to remember that.

The Last Day of School and Getting Away

My last day of school was not what I envisioned.  I had planned a very relaxed day with a few activities.  We'd take the room apart, which we did, and mostly just talk.  We did talk a little, but all of my students, and I was too, were a little more reserved than usual because we had an observer.
A young woman who came to Copan to learn Spanish was staying with one of my student's family and they had recommended she come up to observe his last day of school.  It wasn't bad, it just made things a little stranger and less sentimental than they would have been.
She didn't come back to the room after recess for the last class, so when I gave them all their folders (I'd already given out their superlatives and recollected them) and we said our goodbyes, she wasn't there.
I made it through about half the hugs before I started crying.  It was a sob-fest, like I was afraid it would be, I was just teary.  I think they liked to see that I meant it when I said I was going to miss them.
I was also broken up a bit because one of my favorites wasn't there.  She missed the last day of school.  I was able to send her folder with a friend.  We said our last goodbyes yesterday when she came for recoup exams.  She passed one and failed the other and I was afraid she would be too upset with me to hug me goodbye, but she fell into me sobbing and told me how much she would miss me and promised that if I came back for one more year she would never be absent from school for the whole year.  It broke my heart.  She thanked me for always being so good to her.

But before I came back to school, I left for El Salvador.  I sent my kids off, and several of them skipped the bus to come back to hang out with me until the secondary bus came.  I was touched, but had to tell them I needed to go because I was catching my bus soon.  I scurried home, packed, and went to catch the bus.
The bus was an hour late,which was no big deal, and then we took off.  All was well until we got to El Salvador.  Apparently, El Salvador still believes in the CA-4.  They said that what Guatemala and Honduras were doing was wrong.  That even though there was no way I could have known I was breaking anyone's law because I had abided by the laws, I still had to pay a fine.  We argued, respectfully, gently, and being as understanding to their situation as we could, for an hour.  They called their superiors to lower the fine or to remove the fine, but to no avail.  Finally, we had to pool our money and pay 114$ for a 5 day you'd-better-sort-your-stuff-out-and-get-out-of-here-quick visa.
After all of this, I was pretty discouraged about my presence on the trip.  I spent the next several hours in a rather unhappy place.
However, as soon as we got to where we were going, and met up with the missionaries we were going to meet, I knew that I was in the right place.
I was sick for the whole weekend (presumably the same sickness that has been coming and going for the last who knows how long).  But the weekend and the experience and the people and the conversation was amazing.
This was my first time in El Salvador and I saw nothing.  We got there and met everyone in a Chinese restaurant (weird, right?  Cities have everyting), then we left and went to the church.  We spent every waking, eating, and sleeping moment in the church until Sunday afternoon.  On Sunday we attended both services, ate lunch, got in a bus, and went to another church for a big event.  When the event was over, we got in the bus and went to another church where we slept until it was time to catch our bus back to Copan.  We had no troubles at the borders on the way back.

How to explain these 3 days is beyond my abilities.  Amazing people, conversation, and fellowship.  There was so much joy and fullness of life.  Nothing that we talked about was ever superficial or small talk.  Everything was real and rooted.  People could cut to the core of you in a moment, and the truth was that I had no problem being exposed to these strangers.  There was so much to say to be to told, so much to listen to and absorb.  About me, about life.  I have some new life long friends.

The timing was perfect because it helped distract me from the pain of leaving my students.  But, as much as I wanted to stay with them, I had an easy time leaving because I was ready to face my last weeks in Copan.  I felt rejuvenated.  I'm trying to hold onto that feeling.