Not even dealing with culture shock yet..

The last week has been filled with good memories and painful tears. I've spent time with many of the people who came to mean so much to me. I did not get in all the goodbyes I wanted, nor did I go on all my favorite hikes, but my days were full. They usually ended with the painful realization that it was the end and how much I was going to miss it all.

My last day, I was invited to the birthday party of one of my students. I was therefore able to see many of my students again. One student's mother ran up to me and asked when I left, with the intentions to invite me to dinner if I had time (as requested by her son) but alas, there was not. I thanked her for the thought and offer.

The closer I've gotten to my homecoming, the more I've heard from people I have not heard from in a very long time. People who are excited and happy. I've been trying to think of a way to express what it is I'm feeling. People from home is the big thing I'm looking forward to, but that excitement is currently muted by the great feeling of loss.

It's not that I don't know that my friends and family are there for me and love me, it's just overwhelming to realize what I'm leaving behind and how much I love it all. There are the friends that I have made, a few in particular, my students and their families have become family to me, the place itself, my love of mountains is magnified there, the culture, and the growth that I have experienced. There are individuals who have become so important to me that simply the loss of them in my day to day life would set me back for a little while. You put it all together, combined with the feeling of intimidation of what I have yet to figure out and do, that causes me to be where I am.

It's not that I'm going to spend every moment upset and mourning what is lost. In fact, I imagine I will try to mask it most of the time. The fact is, that I've been extremely emotional over it all. I cried all morning. I cried in the car. I cried in the airport. I cried in the airplane. I cried again when I touched town in Atlanta, and again when I stepped foot on America (as we know it). I wasn't crying the whole time, they were usually (except in the house) silent, controlled tears. But I was certainly over taken sometimes. The kind Honduran woman sitting next to me never asked. She was on my next flight, across the isle from me, and I think she was pleased to see I was doing better.

I don't tell you this because I want sympathy, but because I know that most of the people I see will not understand at all that I'm not thrilled to be home. There are things that I look forward to. I know that I will get better with time, maybe even quicker than I think and that like with any form of mourning I will have ups and downs. I tell you because I need someone who realizes what this is to me, that this is a kind of mourning, and I will probably not always be myself. I know it will be fine, and even good. This is a new opportunity for growth. But it will take me some time,so please try to remember that.

The Last Day of School and Getting Away

My last day of school was not what I envisioned.  I had planned a very relaxed day with a few activities.  We'd take the room apart, which we did, and mostly just talk.  We did talk a little, but all of my students, and I was too, were a little more reserved than usual because we had an observer.
A young woman who came to Copan to learn Spanish was staying with one of my student's family and they had recommended she come up to observe his last day of school.  It wasn't bad, it just made things a little stranger and less sentimental than they would have been.
She didn't come back to the room after recess for the last class, so when I gave them all their folders (I'd already given out their superlatives and recollected them) and we said our goodbyes, she wasn't there.
I made it through about half the hugs before I started crying.  It was a sob-fest, like I was afraid it would be, I was just teary.  I think they liked to see that I meant it when I said I was going to miss them.
I was also broken up a bit because one of my favorites wasn't there.  She missed the last day of school.  I was able to send her folder with a friend.  We said our last goodbyes yesterday when she came for recoup exams.  She passed one and failed the other and I was afraid she would be too upset with me to hug me goodbye, but she fell into me sobbing and told me how much she would miss me and promised that if I came back for one more year she would never be absent from school for the whole year.  It broke my heart.  She thanked me for always being so good to her.

But before I came back to school, I left for El Salvador.  I sent my kids off, and several of them skipped the bus to come back to hang out with me until the secondary bus came.  I was touched, but had to tell them I needed to go because I was catching my bus soon.  I scurried home, packed, and went to catch the bus.
The bus was an hour late,which was no big deal, and then we took off.  All was well until we got to El Salvador.  Apparently, El Salvador still believes in the CA-4.  They said that what Guatemala and Honduras were doing was wrong.  That even though there was no way I could have known I was breaking anyone's law because I had abided by the laws, I still had to pay a fine.  We argued, respectfully, gently, and being as understanding to their situation as we could, for an hour.  They called their superiors to lower the fine or to remove the fine, but to no avail.  Finally, we had to pool our money and pay 114$ for a 5 day you'd-better-sort-your-stuff-out-and-get-out-of-here-quick visa.
After all of this, I was pretty discouraged about my presence on the trip.  I spent the next several hours in a rather unhappy place.
However, as soon as we got to where we were going, and met up with the missionaries we were going to meet, I knew that I was in the right place.
I was sick for the whole weekend (presumably the same sickness that has been coming and going for the last who knows how long).  But the weekend and the experience and the people and the conversation was amazing.
This was my first time in El Salvador and I saw nothing.  We got there and met everyone in a Chinese restaurant (weird, right?  Cities have everyting), then we left and went to the church.  We spent every waking, eating, and sleeping moment in the church until Sunday afternoon.  On Sunday we attended both services, ate lunch, got in a bus, and went to another church for a big event.  When the event was over, we got in the bus and went to another church where we slept until it was time to catch our bus back to Copan.  We had no troubles at the borders on the way back.

How to explain these 3 days is beyond my abilities.  Amazing people, conversation, and fellowship.  There was so much joy and fullness of life.  Nothing that we talked about was ever superficial or small talk.  Everything was real and rooted.  People could cut to the core of you in a moment, and the truth was that I had no problem being exposed to these strangers.  There was so much to say to be to told, so much to listen to and absorb.  About me, about life.  I have some new life long friends.

The timing was perfect because it helped distract me from the pain of leaving my students.  But, as much as I wanted to stay with them, I had an easy time leaving because I was ready to face my last weeks in Copan.  I felt rejuvenated.  I'm trying to hold onto that feeling.

Student Letters

Yesterday I finished writing my 18 letters, one for each student.  I began almost 2 months ago and could only get through a few at a time before I'd choke up at the idea of goodbye (an idea that is very close right now) but as soon as I finished, I set to the task that Rachel suggested and stuck with me.  I began looking for a verse of scripture for each student.

1 Timothy 4:22-- Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.

Hebrews 10:35-36-- Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Proverbs 16:16-- How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight than silver.

1 Peter 3:10-- Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceit.

Ephesians 4:32-- Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Proverbs 11:6-- A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth. 

2 Timothy 1:7--For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

John 16:33-- I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world. 

Proverbs 4:7-- Wisdom is the prime thing.  Acquire wisdom; and with all that you acquire, acquire understanding. 

Isaiah 41:10-- Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look around you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Joshua 1:9-- I've commanded you to be strong and brave.  Don't ever be afraid or discouraged I am the Lord your God and I will be there to help you wherever you go.

Ephesians 4:2--Always be humble and gentle.  Patiently put up with each other and love each other.

Proverbs 18:24-- Some friends don't help but a true friend is closer than your own family.

1 Peter 4:8--Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Romans 8:28--And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

3 John 1:5-- Dear friend, you are being faithful to God when you care for the traveling teachers who pass through, even though they are strangers to you.

James 1:12--Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Proverbs 16:7-- When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

I have placed each letter, with the handwritten verse, in their envelopes along with their superlative awards, advice for keeping up English over the summer, and, for one student, a perfect attendance award. 

The superlatives are:
Most Confident
Most Likely to be a TV Writer
Most Likely to be an Event Announcer
Most Likely to be a Soccer Player
Most Likely to be a Teacher
Best One-Liner Jokes
Most Likely to Make You  Believe Anything with a Smile
Most Compassionate
Best Animal Sounds
Most Likely to be a Spy
Most Likely to be a Detective
Best Mathematician
Most Likely to be on a Toothpaste Commercial
Most Likely to write a Book
Most Likely to be a Singer
Best Scientist
Most Likely to be a Community Leader
Most Likely to be an Artist

Thursday we'll be doing a feel good activity where each student must think of one good thing about every other student in the room.  They will write them on a sheet.  I will collect them, review them, and add those to the packets too. 

Why we do it

In these end-times, my kids and I have all been getting a little sentimental.  One of my students, whom I tutor for all of my free time, it seems, has always kept up a tough front.  We have a love-hate relationship.  Recently, he gave me a "I'm going to miss you note" and it struck a cord with me.



Then, a student I rather frequently refer to as "my favorite human being on the planet" (sorry to all of you who thought you had a chance at winning that position.  It has been filled), recently wrote me a letter too.






The outside alone is adorable, but the inside says, "Thank you for your help in English.  You help us so much.  We do jokes but we are growing up for do good.  No one can live forever.  I will never forget you because you are my friend for a life.  With love, Rubdy"

I love my kids.  Isaac gave me an elephant puzzle and he wrote me a letter on the backside of the pieces.  There "my beloved teacher" is immortalized. 

This is half of why it's so hard for me to leave.  I feel like a mother to 18 children that already have mothers. 

Changes

So, I spent the first part of this week very ill.  It started on Friday with a little stomach ache, led to a weekend of staying in the house (which was needed and actually productive) and ended with just stomach pain and horrible headaches that have just today completely subsided.  On the weekend I would alternate between the bathroom, being curled up in a ball, cleaning, and laundry (the latter two usually resulted in another hour of being in ball, but hey, I got a lot done and it was mentally, though not physically, refreshing).  Monday I was at school, and the stomach was hurting, but with no other real symptoms.  Monday night it hurt to move my eyes.  It hurt so much I couldn't remember to do simple tasks like take medicine (I got up 6 times to take ibuprofen, and finally when bringing back jello to eat, I saw the pills and remembered that I really wanted to take them.)  For the rest of the week the eye headache hung around, but it was not nearly as bad nor debilitating. 

On Wednesday my tutoring was canceled,my Spanish classes have been canceled for 3 weeks, and Rachel and I rescheduled.  I took advantage of my new found free time to get my first pedicure ever.  Getting a design is standard procedure here, not extra.  It was nice.






On Thursday I went back to the same salon and chopped off me here.  Look! Before and After pictures!

Speaking of changes, look at Dulci!  5-day-old Dulci to the right and 6 month old Dulci to the left.

If it wasn't obvious from the fact that I decided to stay with my same students for a second year, they have a special place in my heart.  From Francis, the first student I lost (to a life in the United States with his brother, father, and new step mother December 2009), to Juan and Maria Jose who did not return to my class this school year, to Destiny and Sofia who were knew to my class this school year, and the other 16 (17 if you count the one I only get for science this year, but who was in my class full-time last year), I love my kids.

I have students who work hard and do well.  Students who work hard and do not do well.  Students who do not work hard and do well.  I even have students who do not work hard and do not do well.  I have students who can't stop talking, students that intentionally push my buttons, and students who would do anything to please me. 

Even the ones who do everything they can to get under my skin, I know that they are just a product of their environment.  It's amazing to me, actually, how clearly most children come out of their circumstances as they are.  Supportive parents= well rounded child, non-supportive parents= child in desperate need of attention.  Of course, it's not always so cut and dry, but it is the standard way.

I have one student in particular, who has the ability to pull on my heart strings.  She is very intelligent, but talks all through class and doesn't study or do her homework.  She's sweet as can be and would rather just chat.  Her humor and honesty have worked their way into me.

This past week, she's been talking to me a lot about how she doesn't want me to go, but how she understands.  I told her that I would try to come back to visit in the next couple of years, and she asked me if I could come back in a few years to teach them again.  She gets to me.

I have another student who's been leaving me notes on my desk asking me not to leave.  The parents of my students and my Spanish teacher like to remind me that I don't have to go.

This coming weekend is Emily and Tiffany's birthday, two weeks later is my birthday, then is the weekend after school ends, and then I leave.  It will be a beautiful time, but I often find myself looking at it and wishing I could stretch it out.  I like my life here.

I'm writing each one of my students a personal letter about what a pleasure it has been to teach them and their strengths.  What I hope for them.  I can only do so many at a time because they make me sad too.

I suppose it's like coming to the end of a beautiful relationship.  A very difficult break up.  We both understand each other, but after all of our time together it won't work.  It's still heart breaking.

Family Visit

My parents and grandparents (mom's folks) just came for a 10 day visit. This visit had the most people I've hosted and the longest amount of time. Several months back I booked hotels, one in Copan, and one in Antigua, Guatemala. Copan is known for it's Semana Santa, but Antigua is famous. I had seen pictures and heard stories, so I was pretty excited to get to go.

Copan is really hot at this time of year, so I put my folks up in TerraMaya. It has AC and is right next door to my house. Antigua is further north and in much higher mountains. The town is also full of people during Semana Santa, so I thought it might be nice to get out of town. With a lot of luck, a bit of word of mouth, and a smidge of research, I found the Earthlodge. It is a 20-30 minute truck ride out of town with a beautiful few of Antigua. It was cool and quiet, which was a very relaxing way to start the day and a fantastic way to end the day after being in the crowds in town.  Plus, we got to stay in tree houses.

The family arrived Thursday afternoon. I got a call as I was giving my last recuperation exam of the week (science) saying they had arrived in Honduras and were on their way to Copan. When I finished work, I went into town, took care of some business at the bank, and paid for my internet. As I walked back toward home, I came across two of my students. They decided to walk with me to the house. When we got to the house, two more students were sitting on my porch. Fernando, Elvira, Destiny, and Yoela "helped" me clean. I was getting short on time, so in the end I gave them the elephant book and put them on the porch (At some point or another Sofia, another student, came as well). As we got close to the time of arrival, I asked the kids to sit downstairs and keep an eye out. When my family did arrive, I had the kids line up, so as not to bombard my tired-from-traveling family. They greeted them, helped us carry the bags into the hotel, and left. My folks thought it was adorable.

The next day was Dia del Folklore at the school. We had spent the last several weeks making champas for each grade. The students had put together signs with information for their indigenous group, as well as preparing presentations and one girl and boy from each class has been selected for the indio bonito competition. For me, it was the perfect day to have them at school. I did not need to have lesson plans or keep control of a classroom while their was company. My parents and grandparents still got to see the school and watch me interact with my students. Plus, it's a very informative day on the different parts of Honduras. It was only a half day at school, so after we walked up to the bird park and walked around.

The next day we spent 7 hours on a bus going to Antigua. The original plan was to take a Hedman bus, but the only bus from Copan leaves too late for us to still be able to get a ride up to the hostel. So, we took a shuttle, which left at 6. We got to town, got to our pickup spot and waited for the truck to take us up. On the bus, I met a very friendly tour guide named Martin. I may be hopping on with one of his groups to Tikal later in the year, if I can find the time to go.

We got to Earthlodge, settled in, and just camped out for the afternoon. The mountains were beautiful, the walk up was steep, and dinner was only a few hours away. The cool air was much better for my family, but as the sun got lower, I got cold. We moved in and invaded the large couch with a pleasant young man sitting on it. Jorge (the pleasant young man) and, later, his friend Juanjo (who was also pleasant, I just talked to him less) and my family talked the evening away. Turns out that they were locals just enjoying an evening off outside town (I found that a good sign for my choice in hostels, that the locals would use it for a place to hang out).

The hostel dinner set up is family style, and Jorge, among other guests, sat at a table with us. We enjoyed good food, good drink, and good conversation. I did a lot less of the talking than I normally would have because my folks were enjoying sharing stories of my youth. Mostly centered around my eating habits back when I was a runner. Shortly after dinner, my folks headed to their rooms because we were starting the next day fairly early. Not long after they went in, I followed. (I think this is the only evening that I stayed out longer than they did. Most nights, I was the first one to bed.)

In the morning we ate breakfast, I exchanged e-mails with Jorge, and we went into town for mass. We went to the big cathedral on the central park. The palms people had were like ornate bouquets. They were beautiful. After mass, we walked around a while, enjoying the sighs. We were always careful to watch our bags, especially in a crowds. A tour guide honed in on us, and for a while I tried to put him off, but my folks liked the idea, so we hired him. He took us to a place for lunch and met up with us again after we finished. I was not thrilled at first, but by the end of the tour he had won me other too. We got to see many of the carpets, many of the buildings. We saw many of the churches and ruins with good explanations. We went to a jade museum too. At the end of the tour, he amended it, at our request, so we could see the Palm Sunday procession. It was beautiful.

After a day of running around, being in the crowds, and making sure we stayed together, we enjoyed our quiet evening at the lodge. I went online (for the first time in 2 days!) and caught up on my e-mail. Jorge happened to be on and invited the whole family over to his house, his outside of central Antigua, for a late lunch the next day. I ran it past the family and we made a plan to meet in the park.

We took a nice slow morning. Mom, Dad, and I went on a little hike, and we didn't go into town until noon-ish. We ran into Tiffany and her Dad shortly after we got into town. I ran across the street to talk to her, leaned in for a hug, and my phone fell out of my bag. At first I thought a seam had split, but upon further inspection realized that my bag had been slashed. Luckily, nothing was missing. Within a few minutes, we also realized that mom's backpack had been slashed, and that nothing was missing. The amazing thing is that we had not been in any crowds and we both keep our bags in front of us. Before the day was over, I had found where my skirt, right next to where my bag had been, had been damaged, but not broken all the way through, by the knife. Dad kept insisting that it would have been for the best had he nicked me, because then we would have known when it happened. Thanks Dad.

We met up with Jorge, who was much taller than I remembered (though we had been sitting the whole time we talked in the Earthlodge). He drove us out of town, and to his house. We got a tour of the house. It was beautiful. We enjoyed a lovely view of the volcano and then ate lunch. Dad and I drank coffee and it was absolutely delicious.

The next day was our last day in Antigua. We went by the only church we had missed on our tour. This worked out nicely since we had missed seeing it due to the procession, and seeing it later meant we got to see the floats from the procession at rest in the church. We got a pick-me-up coffee at El Portal, which I know I went to a few times the last time I was in Antigua and used the rest of the day as a shopping day. We met up with Jorge one last time, went to lunch in a lovely restaurant, complete with a bookstore. It was fantastic.

When it was time to go, we gave ourselves ample time to haul our bags up the steep hill, slowly. We got up to the top and waited. As it got close to when our driver was supposed to arrive, Dad and I walked out to the fork in the road that I figured would throw him off. The hostel is only well known in certain circles and the aldea nearest is very small. It was getting to the point where I was going to have to buy phone credit to call the man I bought our tickets from when a mini bus came up the mountain. I walked up to the driver, who looked concerned, said, "Copan?" and a wide grin spread across his face as he confirmed that he was our ride.

We got back to Copan, which had a lovely thunderstorm that night. It was loud, wet, and earth-shaking. But the best part was, it cooled things down for us. My folks went to the ruins the next day, without me. I took the day to do laundry and other house-hold chores. We enjoyed lunch together and took the afternoon slow around town.

We tended to stick to mornings because of the heat. The next day we got to walk the nature trail by the ruins. We bought a few knickknacks and came back to town. On the third day, we walked up to La Pintata. I got to show them the corn-husk doll part of the women's co-op and the fabric part. On the way back to town, we got lunch and smoothies. We brought a smoothie to Dad, who had not been feeling well.

On the last full day, went down to go to mass. However, the procession, shockingly, came in a little late. We waited at Cafe Welchez with Vadal and Sarah Harrington. When it was time to go in, we did. All of the benches had been removed to make way for all the people. Most of mass was lovely. The announcements alone too 15 minutes. That priest is the chattiest priest I've ever known. Mom and Dad finished up their tourist shopping. The hammock man let us borrow his tape measure to see if the hammock chair would fit in any of the suitcases. Sadly, it did not. As it was the end of Lent, and Dad could now eat meat and drink beer, we ate dinner at the German bar. We had great German food and beer and Tomas gave us the tour of his brewery. I think it was the perfect way to end their trip.

This morning they all took off at 9. I have not heard from them, so I assume all went well.